4 Unexpected Ways to Address Marriage Problems

There are three rings: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering… All jokes aside, marriage is a gift from God and a reflection of His very image. When you are facing marriage problems, here are four ways to address them through sound Biblical marriage advice.

First: We Are Not Created to Be Alone

Other people make us who we are — and even who we don’t want to be. The company we keep does make a difference in the life we live. There is no psychologist who would disagree with this theory. We are not made to be alone. In fact, as Jim Rohn said, you are “the average of the five people you spend the most time with!” That does not mean you have to get married. No, it is better to remain miserably single than miserably married!

Again, I'm joking. Jesus never married and He was as complete as a human being can be. So getting married is not the "be-all, end-all" of life. But it is important and a blessing if you take that journey. If you are married or single, being alone is not a good thing; check out Genesis 2:18 where God says this about Adam.

Did you know that even God was never alone? Before He created everything, God was and is a community in unity in the blessed eternal Trinity.

So, if your marriage is suffering and you feel alone in it, stop doing it alone.

This is the first step in seeking Christian marriage help: Find people who are doing it right, get close to them, and start to make some changes.

Second: Marriage Is a Reflection of God’s Character and Love

Yes, my secular friends, the first major book to talk about marriage was the book of Genesis. It started in the Bible. On a personal note, marriage for me has been one of the most difficult, stressful, and painful times of my life. But at the same time, it has brought me sustained joy and rewarding memories with my children that I would not trade for anything or anyone in this world!

Marriage is God’s special reflection of a deep reality: His relationship with us. That is so cool. Read the very sensual book of Song of Songs to see that allegory. If you want real Biblical marriage advice, love her even when you don’t feel like it, and even when you don’t like her. For love is much more and much deeper than mere feelings.

What is the opposite of love? It is not hate. See this post (the opposite of love is not hate) for that.

Third: Husbands, We Are to Be the Head of Our Home

—DANGER—DANGER— Politically incorrect talk incoming...

Being the head of our home means to lead by example and to take responsibility for your household. Let me say something that is counter-intuitive.

The husband’s divine calling is to take primary responsibility for Christlike leadership, protection, and provision. The most explicit texts relating directly to headship and Biblical submission in marriage are Genesis 1–3; Ephesians 5:21–33; Colossians 3:18–19; 1 Timothy 3:2, 4, 12; Titus 2:5; and 1 Peter 3:1–7.

For more detail on what headship really means, see this.

Consider this from C.S. Lewis:

“We must go back to our Bibles. The husband is the head of the wife… he is to her what Christ is to the church, he is to love her as Christ loved the church and gave His life for her. This headship is most fully embodied not in the husband we wish to be, but in him whose marriage is most like a crucifixion.” — C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

What he is saying is that we husbands need to die to our selfishness like on a cross. Sometimes we need to sacrifice what we want now for what we want most. So then, step up and take responsibility for your role in the marriage. Do what you should be doing, regardless of the circumstances or the lack of positive response from others or your spouse. I mean to do that with wisdom and kindness.

On the other hand, many wives today have swallowed the lie of feminism that men and women are the same and they don’t need to submit at all to their husbands. They make themselves very difficult to love and to lead.

"Mutual submission" is a modern invention that has often produced wimps instead of men who love their wives and families enough to lead them with love.

Yes, the Bible calls us to submit in general to each other, but not for the husband to submit to his wife’s wishes as the primary role instead of to God. He is to give her all he has, but not to give away the leadership role God has given to him.

Regarding Biblical submission in marriage, Ron Citlau wrote:

“In response to such a lover, wives go wherever your beloved leads because you know that he is your knight in shining armor... You know from experience that he wants you to flourish; his every decision is one with your best interests in mind. He is selfless, brave and noble... You gladly submit. It’s easy for your heart to follow him because he is like no other lover you have ever seen. And you respect him. You make it your marital work to make sure he knows how strong, brave and courageous he is. You let him know how his selfless, life-costing love has won your heart. Every word you utter is one soaked in a kind of awe that you got such a man. And it’s not just with him that you honor him but with all you interact with— kids, friends, coworkers and parents. Everyone. You just can’t help yourself. You have yourself a keeper. Every word you speak about him is intentionally worded to make sure that the whole world knows how his love is the treasure of your heart. Wife, this is your part. Coupled with his selfless love and leadership, it tells the great story. The world will stand in awe to this other-world reality. This kind of marriage tells in detail the reason for existence–the great love story of the cosmos.”

Fourth: We Should Love Our Wives Not More, But Less!

Yes, you heard me: love her less. This is essential Christian marriage advice. We are to love our wives more than fame, wealth, career, or sports (GO CUBS!). We are to love them more than our very breath. And when children come, she must remain the priority. But again, I say love her more by loving her less.

Read John Piper’s poem to his son on his wedding day….

I am saying love her less than God. Why? Because if you don’t, you make her out to be a god, and that is not healthy for you or her — because she is not a god.

By loving God more than your wife, you will, by default, love her more than life.

In most relationships on earth, we will go through what Timothy Keller calls "Frightening Spells." If you are looking for Christian marriage help during these times, remember his words:

“…frightening spells in which your feelings of love dry up. And when that happens you must remember that the essence of marriage is that it is a covenant, a commitment, a promise of future love. So what do you do? You do the acts of love, despite your lack of feeling... if you do that, as time goes on you will not only get through the dry spells, but they will become less frequent and deep.” — Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

Don't Give Up

Your love for her will not hold your marriage together, but your marriage will hold your love together. If you do give up on these marriage problems, the consequences — especially if you have children — will echo in eternity. They will always remember when you walked out on your family. No matter how many times you tell them it was not their fault, they will often blame themselves either subliminally or directly.

Don’t give up, brother.

Something magical may happen; she may respond in ways that you would call a miracle!

And remember, you cannot make someone love you.

Recommended Resources

• Movie: Fireproof
• Podcast: michaeltanner.org
• Book: The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller
• Blog: roncitlau.com

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